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Fairy Tale Balloon Poll: Round Two

Round One: Cinderella's stepmother

"I vote you," says the Beast carefully. "And I'll have you know that this condition was brought about by nasty and insensitive behavior, in case that gives you pause."

"It doesn't," answers Cinderella's stepmother. "And for Heaven's sake, I was talking about her!" She points one truly knuckled finger at Baba Yaga; most of the company finds themselves surprised that her crimson nail isn't drooping under its own weight.

Baba Yaga mutters something that sounds suspiciously like "yob tvoyu mat."

"That wasn't very nice," Scheherezade notes, with amused detachment.

"I vote you, too," Cinderella announces, squaring her shoulders and facing her stepmother.

"Why, you little —"

The balloon's basket is tiny. It doesn't take long for the Beast to step forward, grab Auntie Cinders, and toss her, knobbly-limbed, over the edge. The Princess of the Pea ducks out of the way and clutches at her heart, bumping into Scheherezade, who primly adjusts her posture and her jewelry.

"Thank you," says Cinderella, ever-decorous. Prince Charming glares at the Beast.

"It was my pleasure," says the Beast.

Prince Charming attempts to add more ferocity to his glare, but he hasn't got the bone structure for it, and the whole bit just falls apart. Meanwhile, Hansel, Gretel, and Little Red Riding Hood are eyeing the proceedings as if they are being forced to watch an old film their parents always liked, and it's coming up on a twenty-seven-minute-long sex scene.

"This is all lovely," Rumpelstiltskin remarks, "but we're still losing altitude. And actually, it isn't lovely. I think you're all cretins."

"I feel like I could do tequila shots with you," says the Frog Prince with a friendly smile. The diminutive pair, perched just next to the altimeter and the dozing Beauty, glance at each other, as if to say: We must be the sardonic Greek Chorus of this lot, and we're okay with that.

"My gran says tequila makes your mind all wonky," Little Red Riding Hood pipes up.

"Yeah, my father told me that alcohol encourages unwise decision-making," agrees Hansel. Gretel looks as though she is trying very hard not to roll her eyes at her older brother. The Princess of the Pea seems desperate to agree with the two upright children, yet wary of the company's more dangerous elements.

"Your guardians are twits," says the Frog Prince.

"I see your dad outside the town brothel every Thursday," says Rumpelstiltskin.

"What's a brothel?" Red asks Hansel. Hansel looks at his hands, hoping they might tell him. Rumpelstiltskin and the Frog Prince cackle, while Prince Charming looks on with a confused mixture of envy and disapproval. In an attempt to catch Charming's eye, the Princess of the Pea contorts and jerks her perfect head. No one notices Baba Yaga pull a devilish little bottle from the sleeve of her cloak, clinking shot glasses with Scheherezade behind the Beast's impressive bulk.

"Uh, shouldn't we —" says Cinderella.

"Yes!" exclaim the Beast and Prince Charming at once, and a second glaring match begins.

Poll #1372578 Fairy Tale Balloon Poll, Round II
This poll is closed.

"— take care of the altitude problem?" Cinderella finishes.

Sleeping Beauty
Prince Charming
Baba Yaga
the Beast
Little Red Riding Hood
the Frog Prince
the Princess of the Pea

Voting closes at midnight on Saturday. That's Friday night, for all you social creatures with lives outside of your computer!


( 16 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 26th, 2009 11:11 pm (UTC)
Meanwhile, Hansel, Gretel, and Little Red Riding Hood are eyeing the proceedings as if they are being forced to watch an old film their parents always liked, and it's coming up on a twenty-seven-minute-long sex scene.

Holy shit, best line ever.

So Sleeping Beauty isn't contributing much... chuck her. :P
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:27 am (UTC)
Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked that. I wasn't sure about it, but I wanted to try it. :D :D

So Sleeping Beauty isn't contributing much... chuck her. :P

NO, DUDE! She's totally my secret weapon! My ace in the hole! Whatever. Any minute now she is going to wake up and CRAZINESS WILL ENSUE.
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:30 am (UTC)
OH GOD I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS THE CRAZY ACE. *wants to take back vote*
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:33 am (UTC)
♥ ♥


(Also, can't you redo polls? I've seen people do it. It's URL trickery or somesuch.)
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:37 am (UTC)
Dude! I changed my vote! I didn't know you could do that.

I will never throw the Beast overboard. If he must go, just send him my way.
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:39 am (UTC)
That is super amazing! Also, I am so excited that you cared enough about the FTBP to change your vote! :D :D :D

NOTED. I'll make sure that if he leaves the balloon, he brings a parachute and it's while they're over your neck of the woods. :D
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:41 am (UTC)
DUH, it's like Goblin Fruit and Patricia C. Wrede and Choose Your Own Adventure all wrapped up in one. How could I possibly resist? (And you've read the, what are they called, the Dragon Chronicles? by Wrede, right? Cimorene is just Teh Awesomest.)
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:43 am (UTC)
WOW THAT IS A V. HIGH COMPLIMENT. ♥ ♥ I am having the time of my life doing this! And am just trying not to suck too much, hee.

PATRICIA C. WREDE IS TOTALLY MY HERO. I loooooove her stuff. Cimorene EFFING. RULES. And did you ever read Book of Enchantments, her first (I think) short story collection? She's written some truly killer short stories, if I remember correctly.

I am loving these Beauty & the Beast icons. :D Though my B&B love mostly comes from Robin McKinley.

(P.S.: My first computer ever — the one I wrote my first novel on — was named Kazul! :P )

Edited at 2009-03-27 12:44 am (UTC)
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:54 am (UTC)
FRYING PAN OF DOOM. andi_horton gave me Book of Enchantments for my birthday and Dealing with Dragons for Christmas and then I devoured the rest of them. I knew Patricia C. Wrede was awesome since I read Sorcery and Cecilia years ago and knew that 1) it was brilliant and 2) it was totally andi_horton and I, with all the letter-writing and chasing after dangerous people in hopes of adventure. (Though. Correspondence in real life, finding dangerous people to chase, only in our fictional lives.)

But yes. The short stories rule. Read "Earthwitch" again if you haven't lately, you'll love it. I'm always astounded by how it's a high fantasy-type story where the fantasy is purely incidental.

Robin McKinley: needs to get on with writing another retelling of BATB. Because Beauty and Rose Daughter and the almost-BATB that Sunshine is, just isn't enough. NOM NOM NOM BRING ME MORE BOOKS.

Computer named Kazul. Most awesome thing ever. ...I think I may name my car Kazul, she's been needing a name.
Mar. 27th, 2009 12:59 am (UTC)
OMG YES. Did you ever make the cake? I TOTALLY MADE THE CAKE. And it was good! Oh, that is such wonderfulness. I never really had an RL friend to share Wrede with, and I discovered her before I discovered the internet, I think! ALSO: I have not read Sorcery & Cecilia! I saw it a few months ago, wondered why I hadn't ever heard of it, and bought it ... now it is in a box somewhere that will be unpacked hopefully soon. MM.

Okay! YAY! :D I love anything with rose imagery and symbolism, so I thought that one was marvelous, and also the creepy one with the tour group and the banshee, or whatever. :P

SO TRUUUUEEEE. My copy of Beauty is the most beat-up book I have, just because I read it every couple of months for soul healing. Oh, man. I love that book to death. Or I love it to LIFE, really. :P

ETA: And P.S., how proud of her were you for Sunshine? I WAS SO PROUD! She broke out of her usual style and it was AWESOME! Also, I stumbled upon an autographed copy at the Coop in Harvard Square during my freshman year — it was like fate. It was just lying on top of a cart, staring up at me.


Edited at 2009-03-27 01:00 am (UTC)
Mar. 27th, 2009 01:35 am (UTC)
I didn't make the cake! I totally should. This weekend. I shall tell you how it goes.

I should read Beauty more often for soul healing. American history textbook is just not doing it for me. Like, ever.

Autographed Sunshine? EEEEE that is so cool. That book is so unbelievably well-written, I love it.

Silver Honda of Dragonocity = Kazul.
Mar. 27th, 2009 10:34 pm (UTC)

Yeah, American history is not so good on the soul-healing. I sympathize. *hugs*

I LOVE IT TOOOOOO. I think it's about time I read it again. One day we will meet in person and I will show you Robin's fabulous autograph!

♥ ♥
Mar. 27th, 2009 04:40 pm (UTC)
I voted for the Frog Prince (even if he is the sardonic Greek chorus), because he seems like a dick.

(I am waiting for Sleeping Beauty to wake up and be a crazy-pants!!!!)
Mar. 27th, 2009 10:35 pm (UTC)
ROFL. He kind of is. But it's not his fault. He's suffered a lot as a result of the unfair standards of beauty we have in our society, and I suppose he has a point.

(WOO! Thank you! Well, now I really hope I deliver.)
Mar. 27th, 2009 09:20 pm (UTC)
"Yeah, my father told me that alcohol encourages unwise decision-making," agrees Hansel.

Hansel, your father knows that better than anyone. *laughs like a terrible bitch*
Mar. 27th, 2009 10:36 pm (UTC)
I'm pretty sure his marriage to Hansel and Gretel's evil stepmother was a result of a drunken night and a series of escalating dares. ;)
( 16 comments — Leave a comment )


We celebrate peace. Yet we pay no attention to the ways of curing aggression in human beings. And when one sees in psychoanalysis hostility disappearing as people conquer their fears, one wonders if the cure is not there.
The Diary of Anaïs Nin; August, 1945

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